On Death and Dying

What does it mean to be alive ? 

To experience such a deep, heavy loss for your first real bereavement is...intense. It feels you with such a deep, hollow sadness that nothing can relieve. The love your mother gives you and 

It's a heavy, inexplicable weight on your chest- yet somehow at the same time it feels like someone has knocked the wind out of you. It feels like the anchor that kept me tethered to my roots was severed, and now I'm just free floating in deep, open water. Despite being surrounded by people and family who feel the same grief I am feeling, I feel lost, alone, terrified. 

...and still, life goes on. 

Everyday I wake up and fix myself a coffee, I make breakfast, I make my husband laugh, I walk the dog, we watch movies, I go to work...I continue as if there wasn't this big, gaping hole in my heart- as if I wasn't thinking of my mom with every move I make- would she be proud of me? What would she be doing now? Is this something she would have done? 

To lose her so quickly and in such an awful fashion should have been eye opening. I think about people on the news all the time- they had all just been living their lives- they all got up that morning, thinking that it would be the same as any day and just like that...they're gone. The lives of those who interacted with them daily, changed forever. 

I think about what I'll be leaving behind if I ever go unexpectedly. How will people remember me? Will I be proud of the life I've lived? Are all of the little things I've been sweating over really worth it? Could I have done better? 

I'm completely baffled by those who want death as an escape- I can't begin to fathom the kind of pain one must be in to want to choose ending their lives as a release from whatever it is that they battle with every day. I have the utmost empathy and sympathy for them- who am I to say what will be better for them? Sometimes life really does feel like every day is the same- and I hate to say that. 

Knowing what it's like...to have the rug pulled out from under you at any moment- why don't I live life more fully? There is so much of the world I've yet to see and want to do, but is that what's important? Is that the kind of life that's worth living? One that fully realizes the potential of humanity and the Earth we live on? Those that stretch everything they know to its furthest extent and push the limits of their own boundaries? Or...is it to stay stagnant, to grow roots and continue the legacy of your family...that can be pretty terrifying and beautiful and push you to the limits of your own boundaries too, can't it? 

What's the compromise? 

Where is the balance? 

What's the point?